to the moon and back [nezbae]

The clan had been buzzing for the past few days, every cat excited over the return of newleaf. With the newfound warmth came relief from sickness, the return of prey, and easy living for all, but for the medicine cat there was a different sort of relief that came in the changing of the seasons. The herbs once more began to grow throughout the territory. Though Tawnygaze had done her part to stock up before the early frosts could kill off the valuable growths, she couldn’t lie and say her stores weren’t looking a little bare now that leafbare was showing its tail behind them. So yes, relief had found her in the form of running prey and thawed streams, but more than that it was in the vibrant buds of flora peaking up through the loamy soil of Skyclan territory.

Even so, on a day as perfect as this one, Tawnygaze was far too exhausted to think about venturing very far out of camp. She had been up through the night helping one of the queens with a particularly difficult kitting, and in the sweet caressing warmth of the new day it was all she could do to stay awake. The fae had already sent her apprentice away on minor tasks, the energetic young cat proving a bit too much to handle on that particular day. Doing so, though, had left the medicine cat alone to take stock of the herbs she had left over.

”I need more –“ a wide yawn broke her vocal musings, ”- dandelion whenever they start to show up again.. And perhaps some –“ yet another yawn, ”- some watercress…” Her voice, usually an airy sort of whisper on a good day, was made even smaller by her tiredness until it was little more than a curling hint at noise rather than any sort of octave in itself. Orange shaded eyes fought blearily to stay away, scanning again and again the cracks of her den to continue with her list of what she did and did not need immediately. Dandelion, watercress… What else was there? Dandelion… Dandelion… Wait, there was something else before wasn’t there? Tawnygaze made a groaning noise of exasperation, rubbing a paw over one ear and down her face in an attempt to wake herself up, to focus. But it was so hard… Her eyes were so heavy… Maybe just a little nap and then she could get back to-

”Tawnygaze. Hello.” The she-cat’s head jerked at the sound, her entire body having been on a lilting descent to the floor of her den when the tom had made his arrival. Tom… Tom? Why would a tom be coming to see her? Was he hurt? He didn’t seem hurt, and the only tom that came to see her without bearing any mark of injury was either Deertail or Gingersplash; or her father of course but Waspnose was out on patrol for another- Gingersplash?!

Burning eyes widening with anxious shock, Tawnygaze quickly shuffled into a position that would place her twisted leg on the far side of her body, away from his eyes. She had somewhat gotten over the rest of the clan seeing the marred thing, but not him… She didn’t want him to see that wasted limb, disfigured and grotesque as it had become. ”Gingersplash!” His name came out in a blurted jumble of syllables, falling over each other in an attempt to reach his ears first. All of a sudden she had the crazed thought of what she must look like, and immediately regretted ever thinking about her appearance in the moment of agonizing dread it delivered her. Horrible, she must look horrible, up all night with no rest and hardly any kind of meal there was no other word that could possibly describe her mangled form. She looked like a curse, but here he was as fate would have it, his fur groomed into sleek perfection and each muscle taught in a sinuous line that promised the capable power of a warrior. He was beautiful, and she… Well, she probably had a good personality.

With some surprise, if it were possible that Tawnygaze could become any more surprised than she already was by his presence, the medicine cat realized he came bearing a gift. In his mouth hung a small pulling of a branch with a number of night black berries dripping like luscious little lies from the stem. She watched him place it down like an offering, and for a moment had to think about why this sudden sense of nausea had come across her like a blanketing of dread. ”I thought you might need some of these…er…juniper berries, correct?” ’No…’ A voice answered immediately in the back of her mind, but she couldn’t quite understand why. ”Let’s see…they’re good for…stomach ache…is that it?” Stomach ache..yes that sounded right, but why did she feel so uneasy?

Tawnygaze offered him a shy smile which fell a bit lopsided with her tiredness, and crept forward to inspect his gift more closely. ”Yes, mainly that’s what I use it for…” She replied dreamily, so pleased and so tired all at once. Surely this was a night vision, just a fantasy that he was here when truly she was asleep at last and alone in her den. A strange fact slammed against her in that second, jolting her from any idea of sleep or dreams. These weren’t juniper berries at all. She eased herself onto her haunches, her back twisted in a way that curled her hind legs to the side to keep her twisted leg out of view. She tried to think back when he had arrived, it hadn’t looked like he’d gotten any near his mouth and surely he was smart enough to confer with her before swallowing something. Still...it wouldn’t hurt to check, just in case. ”You didn’t get any of these in your mouth did you?” Her voice was innocent, betraying no hint at the danger he could have put himself in. Tawnygaze would pause, her tail curling and uncurling in a slow rhythm of unrest. After a few moments she would reveal, ”These are nightshade berries..” She offered him a small smile; shy, worried, almost comforting as if to say ‘it’s not your fault.’ ”They’re poisonous.”

It felt like clouds were swimming through her head, and not just because of a lack of sleep. The tom’s presence was subtly intoxicating, sending thoughts through her jumbling mind and tantalizing her with imaginings she hadn’t had in ages. ’It’s because of the kitting.’ Tawnygaze told herself reassuringly, desperately searching for any reason that he would have this effect on her. ’It’s because of the new litter and that’s it. You’ll be fine again once you get some sleep.’ Yes, yes. She would be fine once she got a good night’s rest. A feathered weight upon her shoulder jerked away that comforting piece of assurance, though, and the medicine cat turned her head to see a ginger tabbied tail resting against her pelt. Something about that comfort, that gentle consolation of presence and peace, took her back to her kithood when the luxury of her father’s tail wrapped her in a shelter of safety and protection was a familiar normalcy. The abrupt urge to collapse into that dexterous limb hit her like a falling limb, forcing youthful innocence down her throat until it threatened to burst from her ears she was so full of it. Gingersplash was a sweet tom, a kind tom, a good tom; he wouldn’t hold it against her to show some small amount of weakness here. He would just smile, and keep watch over her while she slept. He wouldn’t mind at all.

’Pay attention…’

Orange eyes blinked at the thought, only mostly her own, and she quickly fled such daydreams as if succumbing to them would lead to further disaster than even the marred knot of her leg could testify to. What was she thinking? Dear Starclan she must be more sleep deprived than she had thought if she was inventing a reality where she and Gingersplash might have any reason or excuse to spend a few lazy moments napping in each other’s company. ’Get your head out of the clouds, and pay attention already!’ Tawnygaze snapped at herself inwardly, silently finding more and more hurtful chastisement with which to anchor her thoughts in the present. She had been about to say something; something about… Ah!

Gingersplash shook his head promptly in response to her query and Tawnygaze couldn’t deny the sense of relief that settled over her. When he removed his tail to curl it around his paws, the medicine cat was oddly proud of herself for only vaguely noticing his absence; as if she were back in the warriors’ den and realized the departure of a warm body in the bridging cusp of sleep and wakefulness. However, it wasn’t his tail which caught her attention, rather, it was the restrained fall which took to his frame like a weight settling upon his shoulders. Looking at his face, watching the different emotions play out in his vividly hued eyes, Tawnygaze was shocked at the question which entered her head; had she hurt him? But just as soon as she caught this glimpse of his turmoil, it was gone again beneath a mask of unreadable reservation. A part of her was stung at the way he hid himself, jumping to a hasty conclusion that in pointing out his error she had offended him. Yes, of course. She had offended him and that was why he shut down so completely, that was why he pulled away from her. Guilt crashed against her like the cruel weight of the river’s current; all she wanted was to reverse the tension, to return to the moment when his tail rested upon her shoulder and she was young again and naïve in her dreams. But it was too late, far too late, and as Gingersplash further solidified his untouched exterior, Tawnygaze could feel him receding away from her, pulling back to show her only what everyone else could see. It hurt like a physical wound, as if she could feel him disappearing into himself and thus tearing away from her company. When he murmured an apology she flinched, ducking her head as if expecting his claws to lash out for her ears. Quick was her recover, but even quicker was the distance she put between them like a barrier for her fragile emotions and tender perception of this tom.

”I honestly didn’t know…ah, no cats ate them, I can solemnly swear to you that! Nor did I swallow any.” Tawnygaze nodded, a bit too jerkily for the movement to appear natural, and absently allowed a paw to drift with delicate muse across one of the berries. ”Not many cats do, they aren’t often used…” Her thoughts were lost in the want to bring him back, to see him smile again. His smile was infectious; everything would be well if he would smile. Everything would be alright then. ”It’s a relief no one swallowed any. You should memorize what these look like. Even though you’re not a medicine cat, they are a good berry to recognize.” Her paw pushed the twiggy bunch toward him, her eyes averted in shy uncertainty. Would he be further offended that she suggested he learn more about this deadly plant? Had she just angered him further?

With timid hesitation, Tawnygaze forced her eyes upward to see his face again, their ascent slow with defiant struggle. She was ready for anything – the same apathetic mask as before, a look of furious indignation – but the small smile she found knocked her off guard. Was he not offended? Or did he think she was joking? Her ears twitched back for in a show of indecision before she too risked the smallest of smiles, her tail pressed in a tight curl against her twisted leg as she stood in a bunch, almost cowering stance. "Seems like the arrival of Newleaf also brings some dangers. I thought Nightshade was a rarity to find, though I thought I could see a few of these growing throughout the territory. Maybe we should alert Pinestar later about the flora."

Tawnygaze shook her head, ready to explain that Pinestar most likely already knew about these. Being such a dangerous berry, she was keen to keep a close eye on their growth and reported any findings of them back to the leader. However, he was already speaking again, throwing her off balance with the unexpected kindness of his words. "I can take care of disposing these...but why don't you get some rest? I can bring you some prey. A vole? Mouse, maybe?" The ginger circled fae blinked at the dual offer, feeling a flush of warmth bubble up to her cheeks. She jerked her head away, busying herself with some of her herb stores as if his comment hadn’t completely swiped her feet from under her. ”Well the berries can actually stay… They do serve a purpose, and it’s been a while since I had a fresh supply of them. But…” She twisted slightly, one forepaw lifted a short distance from the den floor and her head tilted downward so that she was only partially meeting his gaze through her lashes. ”I don’t want to impose any. I can get my own prey, you should take care of yourself. I’m sure you’re hungry.” Was that right? Was that the correct thing to say? Or should she have leapt on his offer full heartedly, and suggested even that they share a meal? She was so confused, so insecure…

”It’s no trouble at all!” Tawnygaze had been prepared to return to her busy-keeping work. She had mentally readied herself for the acceptance of her subtle avoidance, and she was all but turning away from his exit already. However, it wasn’t an exit which had her blinking at him in almost blatant shock, nor was it any form of consent to her dancing about his invitation. Why was he being so kind? <p>

Gingersplash was no stranger to the medicine den, even when Tawnygaze had been studying her skills beneath her mentor he had been a repeating presence. She was familiar with his many muses – with the pained shadows that crossed his eyes when he thought no one was looking, as well as the glittering spark that lit upon him when he was excited about something – but only to a point. She knew the tom only from hours spent watching him in guarded silence, and shy reservation. Their conversations had never gone deeper than the running of prey or the growth of herbs, but somehow there was some form of bond that had been struck between them. No matter how thin or tenuous that bond was, there was still a trembling string that kept tugging them back together. But why? The medicine cat knew her responsibility and as such she made it a point to never seek out any one particular male, but when it came to the quirky tom she didn’t have to go looking. Sooner or later he always wandered into her den, and his presence was as confusing as it was comforting. His effect upon her was an odd contradiction, yet there it was, as present and real as he was sitting before her. <p>
’But why should he care?’ <p>

Her thoughts went unanswered and unspoken, abruptly shoved aside by the sudden alarm calls ringing in Tawnygaze’s ears. Usually, Gingersplash would have agreed to her softly spoken dismissals, politely bowing out of her company no doubt to find someone who could offer more enjoyable conversation. However, today was different. Today he was insistent, he was confident, he was close. Very close. Close enough that her nose was full of him and all she could think about was the way he smelled of pine needles and moss and something else that was distinctly male. Close enough that his fur brushed against hers and she felt the undeniable curvature which formed the sinuous muscle of his lithe frame. His tail cloaked her back, a gentle guide away from her endless work, and the rumbling purr in his chest a lullaby temptation which melted into even further persuasion. ”Come on..I’m sure the Hunting Party is back by now. Even Medicine Cats need to rest.” Well he was right after all, the hunting party would surely have returned and she had been working since the earliest hours of the morning to organize her storage. Still… A voice whispered in the back of her head, questioning the true reasons she would be willing to abandon her responsibilities and follow him. Tawnygaze ignored it, she was more concerned about Gingersplash’s closeness. <p>

No one had ever looked at the ginger hued tabby in a way that had made her heart pound. Sure there had been cats whom she had fancied, but she had never been on the receiving end of such affection. In that moment she had no way of knowing the romantic seed planted squarely at the base of the tom’s actions, and she surely had no way of realizing the reaction building within her own dormant heart. Perhaps it was the attention which she craved the most, but not the sort she usually received. Most of the clan looked at her with pointed focus, their gaze never wavering from her burning gaze, but when their eyes shifted she never missed the fall from her face to her leg and then away in something like embarrassment as if they had seen something they shouldn’t have. To her clan she was either a cripple or a medicine cat, there was no in between and thus she lived in the polar ends of two extremes. She envisioned herself forever a cripple, uselessly fumbling about at being a medicine cat. But Gingersplash never looked at her with embarrassment in his eyes, a guilty discomfort never set him to shifting or fidgeting when he was around her, and when his eyes turned from hers they didn’t immediately drop to her wasted leg. To him, the fae was more than her tattered body. To him, she was something whole and respectable and he treated her like any other cat. <p>

’Like any other cat…’ Something about that thought stung. Was she truly just another cat to him? Was she just ‘one of the clan?’ Nothing more than a link in the chain… But what was she thinking? She was the medicine cat, she was her own chain, it didn’t matter what he thought of her at least not in such a regard as she was concerned with. Still… There was no harm in just letting herself believe she mattered for just a little while was there? And then he sold her on her own imaginings, ”…why don’t we share?” <p>

Tawnygaze’s amber orbs flashed upward into the tom’s own warm gaze. He was warm and comforting and soft in a way that was strong, and most of all he was looking at her; at her and not away from her leg. ”Well…” The femme glanced back at her stores still half organized before finally giving a single nod and slowly letting herself be led along by the tom. ”I suppose sharing a meal would be fine..” Her voice was soft and breathless, something completely dreamlike about this experience seeking to steal her speech away entirely. But maybe this was a mistake… Maybe it would be better if she just went back and completed her work, Starclan knew there was plenty of it, but the moment for escape had already passed. Gingersplash was already taking her through the den mouth and into the light of the camp. Tawnygaze’s ears flattened briefly in realization of how close they were, and she shifted away ever so slightly despite the want to remain tucked warmly against his side. She had her place, though, and it was not tucked against the side of any male despite how keenly she may have wanted it to be so. As her eyes shifted downward, avoiding the gaze of any cats present in the camp, Tawnygaze couldn’t help but regret – for what may have been the first, honest time – the path her life had taken.

Tawnygaze couldn’t help but notice her companion’s distress as they stepped into the light. Nervousness shed off his pelt in waves, the scent of it cloaking her nose with anxious contagion. She didn’t know what it was that had him so off put all of a sudden, but it had done a thorough job. His eyes darted about the camp like jaden missiles, searching for any sign of…something, she wasn’t sure what it was he seemed to be looking for. A lone queen seemed to catch his worried focus for a moment, but her attention on them was passing at best. Still, the tom remained tight in a way, his movements just a little too measured and his attention just a little too split. Was he ashamed to be seen with her? Sure, she was the medicine cat, but beyond that what usefulness did she really serve? 

Tawnygaze’s posture curled downward along her spine ever so slightly, her shuffling appearance making her look more like a hobbling tortoise than a proud Skyclan cat. She walked with a hunched and troubled gait, always struggling to keep up with the rest of the clan and always falling behind. She was a liability, and that was hardly forgiven by her knowledge of herbs. Tigerpaw had a knowledge of herbs, and four functioning limbs, already her apprentice outshone her based on that alone. In all honesty she felt as a stand in, just a placeholder until Tigerpaw could finish her training and take her place. She wondered if the clan were counting down the days until they could have a fully mobile medicine cat. 

Golden orbs shifted to observe Gingersplash’s profile, her lashes shadowing her gaze with shy invisibility. Was that what he thought of her too then? Was that why his gaze shifted from place to place, following the breeze like it held some sort of warning? Was he looking for someone to aid in his escape from her company, or was he avoiding being seen with her at all..? Tawnygaze bit down on the inside of her cheek, her ears flickering backward in pained torment. It shouldn’t have bothered her so much, that perhaps Gingersplash didn’t enjoy her company as much as she thought he did, but for some reason it set a subtle pang through her chest. Since her arrival in the medicine den, the warrior had been an almost constant presence – almost as much as Juniperjaw herself – and in that time they had developed a… A friendship? An acquaintanceship perhaps? There was something, though, something undeniable that hovered between them like a hint, like a suggestion of movement, it whispered that she should take a step in faith, it enticed her forward with sweet words and coos of affection, but thus far she had purposefully ignored its appeal. Now, watching the way his eyes danced across their surroundings, she wondered if she had misread something in their…whatever thing they had together, if it was anything at all. Then again, her thoughts turned to his tail still draped across her back, guiding her along with him, and she was surprised by a twinkle of hope which lodged itself into the corners of her heart. 

Gingersplash’s gaze shifted down toward her, and she jerked her own gaze back toward the ground, studying the loamy earth as it passed beneath her paws at a jerking pace. He was probably looking to see what was taking her so long. Bitterness shot through her head like a spear, and she silently cursed her twisted and gnarled leg for holding her back. It would have been better if the river had just taken it completely. ’It would have been better if the river had just taken you completely…’ A voice hissed from the shadows of her mind, causing the medicine cat to have to withhold a cringe. The voice was right of course, everyone would have been better off if the river had just taken her with it… Amber drops turned upward once again, searching for his gaze from within their tabby seat. She wanted to search his eyes, to find some implication that would lean his opinion of her further one side than the other. Was she something of value in his eyes? Did she carry any worth despite her crippled limb? Or was the fae mirrored as she saw herself, broken and ineffective, a hopeless display of something that was pitied a little too much. He must have seen her watching though, or have been so tired of viewing her struggling gait that he had to look away, for that was what he did the moment her sight turned toward his – just looked away, as carelessly as if he had been looking at little more than the scenery. ’Oh…’


”So I was thinking…” Tawnygaze blinked at his voice, not quite startling at it due to the gentle emergence it always seemed to carry. Gingersplash was a soft spoken cat, his conversation building in tone and volume as it progressed, but always starting softly and with care. She liked that about him. Of course there were a great many things she liked about him, but she pushed them down to pay attention to what he was saying. ”You haven’t looked well lately – ah, if you don’t mind me saying so.” Now their eyes were fortuned to meet, and she searched his gaze for any sign of contempt or malice. The only shadow she found upon his expression was that cast by concern, though, and a twinge of guilt passed her mind that she had thought to look for anything different. But in her search to find something cruel in him, she had yet to answer his question. ’Now who’s being cruel?’ Tawnygaze bit her lip, triangular auds tipping back in discomfort. She didn’t know how to answer him, she didn’t know how to explain the unimportance of her health. ”Are you perhaps overworking yourself? There’s no shame in taking a break every now and then.” His shoulder jostled her gait then, causing her to almost misstep and stumble. To keep herself steady she paused there where his warmth departed, his ginger form pulling away to stop at the freskill pile like a fiery beacon. His eyes never left her, though, and watching him as she was – her breath hitched and still in her throat, her body crouched and lilted to one side with her tail a constant circlet of ginger tabby to conceal her grotesque leg – she forget again that she had yet to answer him. 

His concern was like an entity all its own, comforting and soothing in its presence. It washed over her like a soft caress, the ghost of his affection trailing its muzzle along her cheek and down her side in sweet fondness. ”Your health is…” Oh right, her health, her health was what? Failing? She dug through the fog in her mind to remember what he had been saying. She looked unwell. Unwell? Was she feeling unwell? In all honesty, perhaps she hadn’t been at peak form lately, but that was no reason to say she was doing unwell…was it? ”Your health is important to me.” Tawnygaze sucked in a short gasp of air, a barely audible sound yet it was there all the same, as insignificant as the rest of her existence. ’Your health is important to me… Important to me…’ Important? Had she ever been important to someone before? 

She could have stared at him for hours after he dropped those baffling words upon her, but as he lunged to retrieve a plump pigeon from the pile, the spell over her was broken and she threw her gaze downward to avoid being trapped by him again. ’Important to me…’ Was it truly? Was she? 

”Here.” Her silent wonderings were jarred and jumbled as the bird appeared beneath her nose, Gingersplash’s soft murmur accompanying the fresh meal. She smiled shyly at the feathers caught between his teeth, something about his imperfect display endearing him to her in a way she was unfamiliar with. ”Thank you…” Merely a breath, she wasn’t even sure if he heard it, but to be honest she was hardly aware she had spoken at all. Her mind was reeling back and forth with questions and no answers. She couldn’t decide what to think of his behavior, and any conclusion she came to seemed immediately to be wrong. It was bewildering and frustrating and in no small amount exhausting trying to keep up with all the scenarios her mind produced to elucidate his actions. She was getting herself worked up over it, and she knew it, her heart kept hammering and her stomach was turning over and over. If her father were here he would calm her down with a few soft spoken words, but the older tom was nowhere in sight leaving her to sort out her problems on her own. The medicine cat looked at the pigeon that her… That Gingersplash had given her, quickly noting the size difference between the plump avian and the scrawny rodent which the warrior returned with. She wanted to protest, to explain her stomach was far too unsteady for her to eat such a large meal, that she would be more than happy with the mouse and he could surely use more food than she; but instead she looked at him with her mouth open and no words to show for it. She closed her jaw and tried again but received only the same. Unlike in the medicine den, when his eyes had been solely on her, his jaden gaze were turned toward the sky, watching the clouds and birds in their domain. By the time he would look back, she would have already looked away, her expression unreadable in its turmoil. 

Knowing it was bad manners to refuse a meal not only brought down by a warrior, but delivered by a warrior as well, Tawnygaze dipped her head and took a delicate sniff of the creature. It was fresh, it had probably been brought in no more than a few hours ago, and on any other day it probably would have made her mouth water. On this day, however, it made her stomach roil and flip with something not unlike nausea. Had she become so bothered by Gingersplash that now she wouldn’t be able to eat? Taking a deep breath, steeling herself with defiance, the medicine cat took a small bite and took her time with swallowing. 

I thank the Stars for all they have given. For high above my ancestors listen. Look down upon me and smile at this meat. May it sustain the living yet another day. And it is now we can eat.” Tawnygaze watched him through the mantra, noting the way the words seemed to spread a relaxing wave across his frame. Odd as they were, they certainly had some sort of effect over the tabby warrior. Her head lilted to the side ever so slightly, a delicate question asked by posture alone and the prim smile with curled her lips in a tender expression. Gingersplash was quick to apologize when he must have noticed her watching him, his mumbled penance snapping the femme to realize she had been staring at him with that stupid grin on her face. Starclan what was she thinking?! She quickly shook her head, looking anywhere but at him as a brilliant flush heated her cheeks. Had it not been for the fur, she was sure he would have seen her entire face turn bright red. ”Oh no, don’t apologize, it was quite a lovely prayer.” Her voice was soft and grew only softer with her meek disposition. She had embarrassed him – oh she wanted to disappear! – and to put something between her affront and his awkward response, she forced herself to take another bite. 

It was something my mother used to say, before I was allowed to eat my food… You see, she said that every fresh kill in our pile was thanks to a higher power, and that we should recognize Starclan’s grace and mercy upon our clan…it’s an old Queen’s poem, but it’s stuck me ever since.” His explanation of his mother’s influence struck a chord in the young fae. She knew his relationship with his foster mother was…tense, to say in the least, and he had often used the medicine den as a refuge to escape her, but she had never stopped to wonder what his real mother had been like. A ring of sympathy passed through her, both of them had lost their mothers so young, perhaps they had more in common than she realized… Tawnygaze took a breath to steady herself for what she was about to do, drawing upon every ounce of courage in her petite frame. Her ears tilted back, and her brow furrowed in troubled seriousness – a look which could too often explain her muse unfortunately – she dared to reach a paw forward and daintily place it upon one of his. ”You’re lucky to have those memories.. Never apologize for them.” Her words were gently spoken, but there was something strong in them as if for once she believed in what she was saying. 

’Important to me…’ Could it be…?