in all my dreams i drown ⋆ open

I cannot stop this sickness taking over,

It takes control and drags me into nowhere

An eerie howling roared past him, loud pawprints juggling the earth underneath his paws. He felt like he was shaking as screams of pain echoed in his ears. He couldn’t see anything- not yet, not that he did see anything in these scenes. Something clawed at him, crying, begging- but he couldn’t hear anything other than patches of his name and questions of why. It haunted his ears, ripping down his sides into his heart and crisscrossing to his stomach and off his back. Tying him up like he was tangled in thorns- Nightnose was used to and at the same time not used to them. The dreams haunted him constantly- and he didn’t know what they were. He swore they were nightmares- night /terrors/- something. Something that not even staring down a fox could challenge.

It was only a brief moment as his body tilted upwards and his mouth parted- his eyes opening sightlessly. Sounds of breathing answered him- his harsh panting and the quiet sounds of those asleep. Nightnose’s brown eyes closed in pain as he tried to get his aching lungs back into shape as his paws pushed forward as to push what was bothering him away. His black fur looked like dark shadows and it only made him so painfully aware of the loss of vision in his dreams. He wasn’t sure what they were- and he was still scared to voice them aloud to anyone- especially Beetleberry. He once thought about bothering his leader- but they would quickly laugh at him. He knew Redstar wasn’t cruel by any means- but it was something none the less that tore at him. This was his problem to deal with and no one was going to care.

Standing from his nest, he stared out at the other sleeping warriors with some envy in his withering heart. They didn’t have to deal with this because they were strong and he was weak. That’s all it was. He was a weak animal that would slowly wither and die and there was little he could do about it. He would like to think he could change- that small part of his idealistic idea of a life chirped to him like a singing sparrow but he quickly shredded it’s feathers again- no matter how many times it grew back. He couldn’t go back to sleep – but he didn’t want to stay there. Staying there would only meant more thoughts would challenge him. It only took a second and the tom was already out of the warrior’s den without his brain realizing it and he was out the camp in the next blink.

The third blink he was running through the territory like his life depended on it. His eyes were alight with what could be considered fear- but one of the only times he felt alive. Out at night- no one thought he was weak- only the stars were above him and he knew they only cared about medicine cats and leaders. He wasn’t special- he wasn’t important, he was just simple Nightnose. So as he tore through the territory he whipped through the grass- feeling the air on his face and the cool damp ground resist his weight.

It was only when he leaped out and caught a flash of another cat on a rock that he barely caught himself and when flying back into the grasses below. Intruder?! He couldn’t even fight! Quickly picking his head up- his mouth parted while he panted he realized that he recognized the cat. Nightnose might not speak to many cats- but he was well aware of each and every cat in WindClan. He must have spooked her. “S-Sorry!” Nightnose felt his voice warble from his lungs still ordering he breathed instead of talk. “D-Didn’t mean to…bother you…” It was obvious there was something rather wrong with Nightnose- he could hear it in his own voice. It wasn’t fear, it wasn’t uncertainty, but there was a tremor in his voice that came with hearing or seeing something that just wasn’t something he was supposed to be a part of. "Sorry!" He called again to Poppyheart- his eyes genuinely apologetic for leaping around like a rabid rabbit.

I cannot stop this sickness taking over,

It takes control and drags me into nowhere

The fact that Nightnose was even capable of running around like a loon was something that many cats- thankfully – didn’t know about. It was a trait or a habit that he had picked up recently since his bad dreams grew louder and louder. He knew it was nightmares, but he didn’t understand them at all. He didn’t understand why he was plagued with them. However as the stars rose every night- so did his dreams and they dragged him down. He knew he deserved it- the tom never spoke the truth about Coalpaw and his brother- and he was sure that they were in StarClan hating his every breath. There was no way they could forgive him.

Poppyheart was a cat that did catch his eye more than once- she was small and quiet, something he particularly found enjoyable and non-threatening. She was always with another warrior- Rowanfrost. He felt rather distant from both of them, since both of them were distant from him. From what he could tell- Rowanfrost was a rather strong cat and he respected him- but Poppyheart was his shadow from what he inferred. Nightnose always watched the other cats- wanting to know them better- like Beetleberry, but he was too afraid they would see what a wreck of a warrior he was.

“Sorry.” He parroted- panting softly- as if would ease her shock. His brown eyes met the ground in shame. The tom heard the words he bowed his head in apology. “I’m sorry.” He felt sick that he gave the she-cat a scare. His tail swept across the ground almost nervously. Nightnose didn’t want to bother any of his clanmates…he hoped she didn’t dislike him for it. The tom honestly didn’t know she was out there! Most cats were sleeping! However he swallowed down the protests and knew that he did something wrong. To be honest, he wasn’t sure he even heard her correctly but he nodded absently.

He was scared she was going to yell at him- tell him off, but he simply walked closer to the stone and sat down near it- his eyes slowly going to Silverpelt above. “It’s peaceful out here…I come out here often at night.” He paused- trying to have conversation but not let his mouth run off across the border. “I’ve never seen you here before though…” He let the sentence drag, hoping she would understand what he was asking – or at least trying to ask.

I cannot stop this sickness taking over,

It takes control and drags me into nowhere

Nightnose could only nod to her assurances- feeling still shame pricking his pelt like fleas biting him all at once. Poppyheart was un-intimidating which only made him feel like he was picking on a small kit. It was something that tore at him like burrs against his paws. It was tiring- feeling like he had done something- always done something to negatively affect his clan mates. His brown eyes briefly met the bright orange of her coat out of the side of his vision as she moved- but he didn’t move or turn his head. He felt like he would be bothering her with such intensive scrutiny.

The shortened name didn’t surprise him or bother him as much as it would maybe another cat. Rowanfrost was Rowan to her and Rowanfrost to him. He wouldn’t use the name- it wasn’t his place to. However the name of close family was endearing in a way- though not that he would ever even try that with Beetleberry. The idea made him shiver at the thought. His brother would probably drown him in deathberries even if they were close. He noticed that Poppyheart hadn’t finished her sentence after she corrected herself- but he guessed it wasn’t all that important.

“I can understand.” Nightnose mewed understandingly. “I woke up and didn’t want to go back to sleep.” The tom would never fess up to why- not with someone he didn’t know, but it was harmless giving that information to her. This was the first time she had seen him out of his nest and vice-versa, leaving her with no possible inference that it happened multiple times a week. His previous statement could be taken as a vague ‘often’. At least that’s the way it made sense in his brain. His paranoia might be lessened around cats not directly attached to Beetleberry like a tick- but it wouldn’t ever be gone completely.

“It’s not abnormal. I hear from warriors that in times we need answers or can’t sleep, we’ll look up to the sky for answers of anything really.” He paused. “Or that’s something I heard Riverstorm say once to my brother.” The mention of him still made him rather fearful that ‘speak of the devil and he shall come’ theory- but he held his ground. “I don’t know if you’ll find answers, but I hope you do. I still haven’t found mine yet.” They haunted him- like fire racing after him, blindness in front of him- burning his tail and freezing his face. “If there’s anything I can do of course…” His sentence trailed off. He wasn’t sure how to speak to a clan mate facing trouble. He knew he could do it – or at least he wanted to believe he could do it- but at the same time he didn’t really feel like he could.